A plea to relive my childhood

Is it just me, but I want to relive my childhood, however this is not in the usual 'oh things were better and we had crispy pancakes back then...' sort of a way, but to try to resolve the times when I was anything but perfect -and I can assure you that there were plenty of them!


I know that we cannot always live perfectly, but I do remember far to many times when I was either a little sod or just missed opportunities by lacking the gumption to do things! Look I was the child who cried off cub scouts after two weeks because I was too shy. Just think of all of the toggles and camping I missed out on. (Actually, I did most of my Duke Of Edinburgh Awards scheme and did enough hiking and camping on cold mountain sides to tell me I wasn't missing much!)


I'm working on a sort of reverse 'bucket list' with all of the things I would never do if I had my time again. Now I know this is a total exercise in futility, but it passes the time! So, to present to the assembled crowd, here are just a few items for the list...


27. When Princess Anne told me to Fu*k Off I should have returned the favour.

• This does sort of require some explanation, however to keep you on the edge of your virtual seats I am not going to provide it just yet!

37. I would not be encouraged to start an environmental group

• it was a great idea and we even had a bank account for Earth Action, but it seemed that nobody in Surrey was all that interested at the time as we had no body turn up at the meetings and, to be honest, we were not very clear on how we were going to save the world.

42. I will never dance at weddings or Christmas parties

• I was born to dance like your dad, I should save the world from the embarrassment. I guess that is why I ended up behind the wheels of steel rather than on the dance floor.

And there are so many things that people remind me off that just make me cringe... So, lets have a moratorium and for all those times I genuflect myself before you all and ask your forgiveness!

Now, where were the crispy pancakes...?

Wilf

Did you know I once made the news...

Those of you that know me will know that I have had my moments on television and over the years I have appeared on a few shows including winning a BBC 1 game show and gatecrashing a rather famous Channel 4 reality show (more of that another day).

However one television appearance most people don't know about is that I once was featured on News At Ten. It is not a story I have told many people (for what will become obvious reasons).

You see it all started in Swindon at an office which is above the station. I was working on placement from university (now you can see that I have not mentioned this for almost twenty years!)


One evening I was working late, well I worked late every evening, not because of some desire to impress my bosses, but that I was staying in digs where, for £50 a week I had all meals and board. This did mean that the food quality could be variable (solid plates of packet 'Pasta 'n' Sauce' made on a Sunday and served on Wednesday - yummy!)


Anyway, there I was working late, Oh I had also had an affectation for good coffee and had bought myself a cafetiere (French Press if you are reading from overseas), now they are a great idea but  a pain to wash up - coffee grounds everywhere blocking the sink. And it was exactly that that happened, at the vital moment while I was rinsing my coffee pot I was called away by my boss.


Eager to please I went and we sorted out whatever problem there was and I completely forgot the sink where... I had left the tap running full blast. No, I don't know why I left it and walked away but I can assure you that I ran back when I finally did remember... about 20 minutes later.


So the coffee had blocked the plug-hole, the sink had filled and then so did the small kitchen and the corridor. I was in a panic, I immediately ripped off my tie (which as an annoying aside has last been worn by Bruce Foresyth - purchased at a charity auction.  Goodness only knows why!) and rushed to the cleaning cupboard and grabbed a mop.


Just as I was mopping the flood an angry person came into the corridor looking rather cross and asking (somewhat impolitely) what had happened. I had two options:


a) be honest, face his wrath and admit a stupid accident or
b) what I actually did


"Sorry mate, I am just the cleaner... Don't know what happened here!" - Okay, a small white lie but I thought I had got away with it. What I didn't realise (yet) was 

1. He had come from the floor below
2. This was the floor that was used by the Railtrack to locate a signalling computer
3. The architect of the building felt it was necessary to put air vents at floor level in the kitchen on the second floor
4. Computers don't like water showering them from a ceiling vent

So I mopped up and thought no more of it, other than having to explain flooding the office perhaps. When I finally got home and watched the news I saw that there had been 'Travel Chaos' with thousands of passengers stuck at Paddington station due to signalling problems in Swindon.

So I can only apologise, it was an honest mistake and I have worked to stay off the news since then! 

Oh dear the puppy has gone at both ends...

WARNING: This post is not for the squeamish, however as I had to deal with it, you can at least read about it!

I would like to introduce your to Stewie, he is a 6 month old(?) something(?) puppy. To be honest I can't be very accurate about him as he is a rescue dog. [Now I should explain that by this I mean he has come from an animal rescue centre, he is not a member of the fire brigade as somebody did ask when I said that to them].


He is not the Lurcher/Pointer/Sight Hound we were sort of planning for and he has given us a number of challenges, not least taking anything into the garden to chew (the latest item being a jar of jam...)


Anyway, we had to visit family in North Wales. We live in Wiltshire so this means, on a good day a four hour journey. It seems this was not to be a good day!


I guess I should realise that travelling on a Friday afternoon would lead to difficulties and we hit a massive queue on the motorway. So there we are, 30 degree heat, family in the car in a line of cars which is stretching into the distance... You can imagine the scene.


We get to one of the service stations (home of excellent food and great service... [/irony]) so I ask both Jane and my little boy Sam does anyone need the toilet? No, everyone is fine, so I edge out into the outside lane which is going faster - well going faster until I join it.


This is when we become aware of an aroma in the car... Okay, the car suddenly starts to stink. It is now becoming urgent to get back across three solid lanes of traffic (which I have just taken twenty minutes to get across) and into the service station. Let's just say that there was no gap too small and no opportunity missed and we found ourselves on the slip road to the services.


Of course there is a queue for the car park right back to the motorway, I am not going to hang about so I nip into the HGV park. If you have never done this, don't! Burly lorry drivers don't like tiny cars in their domain and I ignored the stares as I parked up and opened the boot.


Can I just say that I did not know that a small puppy contained so much sick and poo... Including a perfectly formed turd in his water bowl (floating gracefully). It was at this stage I noticed that the lorry drivers seemed to suddenly being more sympathetic (a couple came for a distant peek!)


To cut to the chase, I am so glad I found a few somewhat dry 'wet wipes' in the back of the car (really I could have done with a steam cleaner!) and I have to apologise to who ever empties the dustbin in the HGV park at this service station. The only thing in the boot that could be saved were the puppy (promptly wiped). It was like a dirty protest and I am proud of the effects of the clean up with somewhat limited tools!


Needless to say Stewie was fine after his travel sickness and was perfectly happy all the way home. 


All I can say is that I must be an animal lover... I feel I have been through the ultimate test.


Be happy (and watch where you step!)


Wilf

There's a rat in the kitchen...

I should start by saying that it is not that I am not good at DIY, I just have a typical male tenacity when it comes to completing a job - that is why some years ago when a plumber had removed an old pipe our kitchen wall I had not got around to filling it in for sometime.


In my mind this posted no real issue and I would, eventually, complete the job and stop the draft under my sink. This was made more urgent when Jane my wife issued an ultimatum to sort out the force ten gale which was blowing through said hole and chilling the kitchen during one of the coldest winters we had encountered in years.


My answer was to stuff the hole with a towel from the inside (to stop the draft) and seal up the outside hole with some plastic. (Now in my defence it was very late at night and this was a fix I was going to sort out in the morning). 


So we went to bed, and the next morning I donned my dressing gown and looked at the hole under the sink with a mind to plan a good day's DIY. It was then that I noticed something strange, there was no towel in the hole. In fact the towel had been replaced by a grey string.


Very unusual I thought, I wonder what that is... I mused this and then thought that the perfect way to find out was to pull the string.


At this point, ladies and gentlemen can I please tell you that if you are ever in the unlikely situation that this happens to you, I can give you only one bit of advice. Do not pull the string.

Because the string was not string and I was now (after some tugging) holding onto a large and angry rat! He had removed (eaten?) the towel and was blocked from his exit by the plastic in the wall on the outside. 


So I was holding this beast at arms length and (my wife tells me) screaming like a girl (well wouldn't you?) - the following dialogue followed.


Me - (in a loud panicked tone) 'There's a rat in the kitchen. What am I going to do!'
Jane - (in a melodic, reggae style) 'I'm going to fix that rat, that's what I'm going to do...'


Needless to say I dropped the rat in the flip top bin, threw this outside and have never been able to listen to UB40 without wanting to employ the services of a rat catcher!

Is it just me...

This is all about taking a slightly oblique view of life... A story of the things that have happened and do happen to me - all of which are true and usually rather funny (although usually not at the time that they happen...)


So pull up a chair for a series of cautionary tales...